A Personal Evaluation – Part One

These are some things I like about myself:

1. I have a big heart.
2. I am very close to my family.
3. I am learning how to humble myself and take constructive criticism.
4. I am slowly learning to be a stronger person.
5. I’m not afraid to let my inner child show.
6. I’m a perfectionist.
7. My eyes.
8. My handwriting.
9. I’m a good listener.
10. I give good advice.
11. My morals.
12. I’m Catholic.
13. My new developing relationship with God.
14. My uncanny ability to find anything on the Internet…I love to research!
15. My English minor.
16. I’m a great cook.
17. My traditionalist point of view.
18. I’m a hopeless romantic.
19. I’m a bargain hunter.
20. I’m a Disney fanatic.
21. I love to travel.

These are some things I don’t like about myself:

1. I’m a procrastinator.
2. I’m impatient.
3. I let way too many things bother me.
4. I’m overly emotional.
5. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
6. I’m a worrier.
7. I assume things.
8. I don’t welcome change easily.
9. I’m not the best person to be stuck with in bad traffic.
10. I’ve gained way to much weight over the past few years and haven’t done anything to fix it.
11. I need to feel accepted and loved.
12. I let what other people think get to me.
13. I have a hard time making my own decisions.
14. My inability to be an independent woman.
15. I’m afraid of being alone.
16. I have low self-esteem and self-confidence.
17. I don’t have a hobby.
18. I have very few friends.
19. I lack motivation.
20. I get jealous very easily.
21. I envy others.
22. I’m selfish.
23. I don’t save money.
24. My hair – it takes way too long to “do” every day.
25. I do way too much negative self-talk.
26. I’m afraid of the water.
27. I’m afraid of bugs.
28. I talk too fast and trip over my words.
29. My teeth.
30. Stretchmarks.
31. I have a difficult time organizing my thoughts, let alone relaying them to someone.
32. My expectations of people are way too high.
33. I’m lazy.
34. I don’t like housework.
35. I eat too much junk food.
36. I take things way too personally.
37. I want to be in control, all the time.
38. I don’t have children.
39. I let others determine how I feel instead of owning up to and controlling my own feelings.
40. If a difficult situation arises, I shut down and forget how to to deal with it rationally.
41. I feel like a failure a lot of the time.
42. I have a negative outlook on a lot of things.
43. I get anxious very easily.
44. I let my thoughts spin out of control.
45. I am scared.

 

I HATE MY JOB!

I hate my job; more than anything else, I hate my department and the people I report to.  I choose not to call them managers because they severely lack any sort of managerial skills, except, of course, ridiculing you for anything that is not being done perfectly.  God forbid they ever say “good job”.  Arghhh…

I have been working for a creative/Internet agency for two and half years.  I have yet to grow within the company.  We have these things called Individual Development Plans (IDPs) that are supposed to assist the people you report to with what your goals are and what you want your future plans to be within the company.  I have to chuckle.  Career Development?  Individual Development Plans?  Are you kidding?  The person I report to could honestly care less if I grow with the company.  He is simply concerned with his own needs and doesn’t want to take the time to train anyone else on my position.  So he’s content with me staying right here.

LUCKY ME.

This year, we hired a new Director of Operations, who has offered to pose as everyone’s functional manager, which in turn means she will be going over my IDP with me.  I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this yet.  On one hand, she is really nice and very receptive to my concerns about the person I report to.  She has advised me to come to her anytime I need to, that her door is always open and her office is “safe” for venting.  She also informed me that she is going to make it so I report to her by July.  That would be such a relief (I will explain why later).  On the other hand, the person I report to informed me that I am NOT to go to her with any of my concerns, that I need to filter them through him and another “lead” in my department.  I’m not entirely sure if he knows she told me to come to her, but regardless, it worries me a bit if I do decide to go to her.  She is his boss.  She trumps whatever he says.  But by me disobeying him, will it make my time here even worse?  By defying his authority, has it shown her that I can’t follow direction?  It’s a very confusing, grey issue.  My head is telling me to just sit tight and see what July brings.  If he is “released” from being the person I report to, then hopefully things will get better and I will be “allowed” to grow with in the company.  Considering that the new Director of Operations told me she was “going to give me a chance” and that she “doesn’t think anyone has before”, it makes me believe (and hope) that I will making a move out of this position in the near future.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Regarding the person I report to and why I hope he is released from his duties.  He is a cock.  He is a downright, dirty, no good, waste of space who calls himself my manager.  WHATEVER.  I know children who could manage people better than him.  He is not flexible, he’s demanding, he only cares about himself, if one thing goes awry, he takes that one thing into account versus all the great things I have done, he’s a gossip, he’s nosy, he thinks he has more power than what he actually does.  I hate him.  I have hated him since I started here; he’s just gotten worse because the person he used to report to kept him in check.  Now that he is gone, the person I report to has taken his so-called power and used it against me.  Hence the reason I say he has no managerial skills whatsoever.  He’s a thorn in my side; a pain in my ass.  The very day my husband gets a great job, I am putting in my notice.  I cannot wait to tell him what I really think of him, although I’m sure he knows.  How could he not?  My attitude screams, “I HATE YOU!”

My reason for wanting to quit my job is not solely based around the person I report to, however.  I also want to go back to school to get my elementary teaching degree, something I should have done years ago.  I would not be able to do that if I worked here, as I stated previously, the person I report to is NOT flexible in the least.  He’d find a way to have me fired.  Trust me.  So in the mean time, I have to patiently wait. 

But I’m okay with that. 

I have found in the past month or so, I have become a much happier and patient person outside of work.  I have very slowly learned how to leave work at work and not let it affect my personal life.  Of course there are days when it just rears its ugly head at home, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy with the way my life has been going.  I have discovered how to let a lot of trivial, so NOT important things go, and focus more on the things that make life worth living.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff; Cherish it!

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day at work about “man problems” and how she just doesn’t understand why he reacts to her the way he does sometimes.  She told me how he never wants to “keep talking” about an issue; once it’s been discussed, he wants it to be over and done with.  She explained to me how that just doesn’t work for her, that she needs closure in order to feel like the conversation/issue has been resolved.  She also went on to say that he gets frustrated with her when she won’t make a decision about something; like whether to go see a movie or go play poker at her brother’s house.  She also stressed that she doesn’t understand why he won’t come watch her bowl on her league, claiming that she always goes to watch him play whatever it is he plays (sorry, I forget which sport).

The point is, I found myself defending him, something I don’t think I would’ve ever done, let alone known how to do, before I started reading this book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.  I immediately told her to run out and buy it, even though he isn’t her husband.  It’s the same for any man.  All men need the same things, have the same feelings, want the same ending.  They really are simple creatures with big hearts.

This book taught me in the very first paragraph that I am a selfish.  I have unknowingly been putting my needs first for way too long.  I haven’t taken into account my husband’s needs or all of the things he has done for me over the years.  He has had to put up with a lot of unnecessary crap that I feel overwhelmingly guilty about.  Hindsight’s 20/20, right?  Well, I wish it were just that simple.  Somewhere along the way, our marriage began to struggle, which I’m sure is the direct result of my lack of appreciation and unwillingness to admit fault.  Everything I did was right; everything he did was wrong or not good enough.  My expectations of my husband were preposterous when I look back now.  However, at the time, they were merely stepping stones; stepping stones that, in my mind, were surely going to lead to perfection;  something I must have already achieved since I had no problem directing him how to get there.  Ugh.  How embarrassing.

However, I am proud to say that I have come a long way in the past year or so.  I have taken off my blinders and learned how to humble myself.  I’m certainly no pro, but I am definitely learning from my mistakes and making a great deal of progress.  Sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of strength I harbor.  Of course I will always have those days where I feel like it’s not worth it and I just want to give up and take the easy road.  But luckily, those days are few and far between. 

My husband does so many things for me; things that are so simple, so small, but so meaningful.  Since he is out of work right now, he has the option to stay in bed and sleep in every day.  But he doesn’t.  He chooses to get up and make my coffee, wash out my water bottle and fill it with cold water, pour my cereal in a baggie, make sure my phone is in my purse, and if I remind him, he will get my lunch ready.  Those are little things, but they are little things that show me he loves me.  When I’m at work, he meticulously works on his portfolio, trying every possible way to improve what he’s already worked so hard to do.  All the while, he finds time to work out, shower, do the dishes, reply to my (not-so-important) emails, apply for jobs, and go to the store if I need him to.  All without complaint. 

So what that he leaves his shoes in the hallway? I leave mine under the coffee table.  So what that he doesn’t put things away when he’s done with them? I keep coupons laying around that I almost never use.  Talk about clutter!  He enjoys cleaning up; I don’t.  How could I possibly find fault in trivial things that just don’t matter?  So for the most part, I don’t anymore.  I try really hard to let those kinds of things just roll off my back and appreciate the things that he does do.  All he wants is to make me happy.  All he wants is to be a good husband, to be my hero.  I just wish it didn’t take me so long to realize.  I pray that it’s not too late.

Make the World Go Away

Make the World Go Away – Eddy Arnold (Tribute by Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley)

Make the world go away
And get it off my shoulders
Say the things you used to say
And make the world go away

Do you remember when you loved me
Before the world took me astray
If you do then forgive me
And make the world go away

I’m sorry if I hurt you
I’ll make it up – day by day
Just say you love me like you used to
And make the world go away

 

I was watching this moving performance last night on the ACM Awards while feeling pretty blue about mine and my husband’s relationship.  I knew he was touched by it too because he pulled me close to him and just held me as I cried.  I think this song sums up the way I feel many days; and him too I suppose.  Although we don’t have kids, there are still many outside stressors that seem to pull us further and further apart every day.  There are so many things that just have to take priority over our struggling relationship.  But to me, those very priorities are the things tearing us apart.  Unfortunately, my husband hasn’t grasped how to balance the two yet; and I haven’t figured out how to help him, as he doesn’t welcome my help very often.

So this morning, my feelings of sadness were still lingering.  I assume that’s why I chewed my husband out for working out for an hour, blaming him for making me feel like the fat wife, as I left the house crying.  We all know that the only person responsible for me being a fat wife is me.  Obviously, my blow up was an accumulation of many things; me being unhappy with my appearance but having not motivation to fix it, me needing to feel important and needed, me craving intimacy, my extreme boredom, etc.  They’re just more stressors that play a part in this big ugly mess.  A big ugly mess that I don’t want to deal with anymore. 

My counselor stressed to me that one thing a husband does that he thinks makes his wife feel loved is being a good provider; having a good job that pays well.  I try to tell myself that; that’s why he has been so preoccupied; so distant.  Unfortunately, feeding my brain positive thoughts doesn’t seem to help.  It just makes my mind spin further out of control.  I keep praying for an offer to come in from this company in Tulsa; then it will be just the two of us and we’ll be able to figure everything out without constant interruptions from “the world” outside.  But is that really going to help?  Is that really the answer?  In all reality, it’s not going to change the fact that my husband shies away from arguments or difficult discussions.  It won’t change the fact that I still have the same needs as a wife; as a woman.  However, I keep relying on it.  Hoping it will be the change we need.  Praying it will the one thing that gets us out of this rut.  I know he’s bummed out about a lot of things right now; not being able to find a job in particular.  So in my head, I assume that when he finds a job, everything will be miraculously fixed; or at least on the path to being fixed.

And then there are our families.  My husband’s father who constantly asks him if he’s heard back from the job in Tulsa yet.  Constantly.  Every day.  My husband’s mother who has become completely sucked in by her church and forgets she has a family somewhere.  My mother who thinks when I get upset, I’m being unreasonable, exaggerating, or it’s just a big misunderstanding.  As much as I know they all mean well and are doing the best job they know how, they don’t realize the stress they are placing on their children.  Sometimes we just need them to be our parents and give us advice; help us through these hard times.  Tell us what to do!  And sometimes, we just need them to leave us alone.  Don’t nag; don’t criticize; don’t judge.  Just let us be… 

Oh, make the world go away…

Enough With the Boredom

I am so bored.  Bored with my job, bored with my life, just plain bored. 

The dictionary defines being “bored” as: tired of and slightly annoyed by a person or situation that is not interesting, exciting, or entertaining.  Isn’t that the truth.  That sums up how I feel in one sentence.  Pretty pathetic.

I realized a few weeks back that I was unhappy.  Not depressed unhappy, but bored unhappy.  I’ve been doing the same thing for so long.  Wake up, go to work, do almost nothing all day long, fight traffic, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed.  So exciting.  It’s no wonder I’m bored.  And because I’m so bored, I have stopped caring about the things that used to make me tick.  I’m stuck in a rut that I’m not sure how to get out of.  I need something.  Something new.  Something to refresh me.  Something to bring “me” back.

I want so badly to go back to school and get my degree in Early Elementary Education, but I can’t enroll in school until I know for sure where I’m going to be living.  My husband has a possible job in Tulsa but we won’t know until late May if they will be extending an offer to him or not.  I know it’s only a few weeks away, but I have been so bored for so long.  The anticipation is unnerving.  Patience is a virtue.  I tell myself that I don’t have patience but when I look back at how long I’ve waited for so many things, I realize how patient I’ve actually been.  I just feel like my patience is running out.  I get irritated when I have to wait, especially when it’s a life changing situation like this.

I don’t have kids, I don’t own my own house, I don’t have a career (only a mediocre paying job), I have a degree that I’m clearly not utilizing, and I have a family who is content to live their lives that way.  I want to do more than that.  I want to aspire to do something bigger, more meaningful with my life.  I only have one shot at this to get it right.  If I can’t have the ultimate gift (a child), then I have to do something different but fulfilling with my life. 

Since I was really small, I always remember wanting to be a teacher.  I would grade my own coloring books on a scale of A to F.  Any activity books I had would have grades and comments scribbled all over them.  “Colored outside the lines” or “Incorrect” or “Great Job!”  I thought I was a pretty great teacher.  And I could be pretty rough on myself too.  “F!” or “You Fail!”  I also thoroughly remember loving books.  Still to this day I can tell you all the books I read.  I read my first book at the age of 3 1/2.  I still have that book somewhere with my own handwritten name in it (also when I was 3 1/2).  I remember the letter “S” looking like a banana! :)  I was always very good at reading and writing, and my spelling was impeccable.  I was so good at these things that I was put in a gifted class in 2nd grade.  I remember feeling so special when I was the only kid in the class who spelled “cement” correctly. 

Anyway, I think much of my desire to be an elementary teacher stems from my love of books when I was small.  I fear that today’s children won’t have that appreciation that I do for books.  Parents are so quick to plop their children in front of the television or video games, that they never gain respect for one of the most important aspects of learning.  READING.  And although I am not an avid reader now, it doesn’t change or impair my desire to teach children about books.  I simply want to educate them about the importance of knowing how to truly read.  How to lose yourself in a book.  How to appreciate all the details a book spells out for you versus a movie where it’s easy to miss all the details.

I still am not sure whether I want to be an elementary reading teacher or a elementary librarian.  Both focus around reading and books, but the difference in the two of them is great.  And then there’s a childrens’ literature teacher.  There are so many options.  I guess that’s something I’ll figure out along the way.  But wherever this path leads me, I know that I will NOT be bored.

Spinning and Spinning

Why is it that no matter how innocent something may seem – and probably is – that I find every opportunity to spin it into something completely invalid? 

 

My husband was flown to Oklahoma this week for the final interview process with a large company in Tulsa.  The HR lady picked him up from the airport, showed him around Tulsa, and then took him out to dinner.  Innocent enough and I should be super excited, which I was until the evening came.  Then without fail, I started spinning the events around in my head. 

What could just the two of them be doing?  Why is she the only one accompanying him to dinner?  What time are they going to be done?  What if he doesn’t call me?  What if she tries to hit on him?  What if he complies?

Of course, he calls me early in the evening, comforting my delusional thoughts.  They wrapped up the tour and dinner by 9pm and he had arrived at his hotel.

The next night he was due to fly back.  He called me when he got to the airport and proceeded to tell me how the interviews went.  But then he said something that made my head spin out of control again.  He made mention that he wasn’t sure if I would want to move to Oklahoma, that the HR lady wanted him to think about what it means to move out of state.  I was taken back by this, as we’ve already discussed this opportunity and decided that this was the right move for both of us.  And in all honesty, I’m sure he was feeling a bit apprehensive about the move now too.  Reality set in when he actually got to Tulsa.  However, all I heard in my head was that he did not want me to move to Tulsa with him.  How that thought entered into my head, I don’t know.  But I was angry at myself for thinking it.

There are often times that I question his feelings for me.  I ask myself why he wants to be with me.  He probably wants to be with someone more adventurous or who loves music the way he does.  Someone who doesn’t get emotional about silly things.  Someone who lets things just roll off her back.

I mean, SERIOUSLY!  All of these thoughts are completely ridiculous; I’m ashamed to even admit that I had them.  But I did and I need to figure out how to stop having them.  It’s not fair to me, and it’s certainly not fair to my husband or his prospective employer.  However, there has got to be a reason they are there. 

I am 100% sure that all of this stems from my lack of trust in my husband right now.  Ever since I found about that girl from work that he had an emotional affair with (and kissed), I have not been the same.  It has eaten away at me to the point where I can’t even listen to him mention another woman, even if it is his prospective employer.  All because he cheated with someone he met at work.  And it doesn’t make things any easier when I don’t see much effort on his part to help fix it.  All of his attention is focused on a job right now, again, leaving me waiting in the wings, hoping and praying that I can hang on for another day.  Honestly, there have been many days when I want to just give up; throw it all away.  I just don’t feel like it’s worth the fight anymore.  But then I realize that God brought the two of us together for a reason.  I just have to have faith that I am in this difficult place in my life for a purpose.  I have been dealt lemons; I need to figure out how to turn them into lemonade.

In the mean time, I have been seeing a counselor to help me sort through these thoughts and anxieties.  But because of my trepidation to bring it up, we have yet to touch on the subject.  We have mainly discussed issues with my mother and my upbringing; I’m sure that all plays into how I react to these difficult situations, so I guess it was a good backdrop.  However, my counselor asked me what I wanted to talk about next session and I did tell her I wanted to talk out the relationship between my husband and I.  Unfortunately, I had to cancel this week’s session due to my husband’s flight being delayed, so I have to wait two weeks to talk with her again.  Hopefully that will give me sufficient time to sort through the things I really want and need to talk about.  And to prepare myself for a whole ton of crying and opening up.

I miss my husband terribly right now; I haven’t seen him in 2 days.  I wonder if he misses me?  Just another spinning thought.

The Infamous Letter

This post is referring to one of my early posts about finding the courage to contact an old friend.

Dear J-

I want to start off by saying how sorry I am for taking so long to contact you.  I have been thinking about you a lot over the past few years.  I even attended our ten year high school reunion in the hopes that you would be there.  You weren’t, and that was ok, but I thought for sure the directory that was provided would have your new contact information in it.  It didn’t.  I knew you had gotten married so I searched for you with your new last name on the internet.  I found a few hits but nothing that I was 100% sure of.  So I resorted to sending this to your folks’ house.  I knew for sure you’d get it then.

What do I say?  Why am I writing you this letter?  What kind of response am I expecting?  So many thoughts are spinning around in my head.  I know we didn’t “end” things on such a great note, but when I look back, it was so trivial.  So “high school”.  I guess what I want to say is that I miss you.  I miss the close friendship we used to have.  There were never any reservations, any expectations.  I loved you for you, you loved me for me.  Unconditionally.  It’s odd to think that we were best friends when we started school and best friends when we graduated, but that we aren’t now.  How could we let something so minuscule destroy what we had?

(Geez, this sounds like a love letter…)

I was never someone who had a lot of friends, nor were you.  For me, I think it was a trust thing.  I couldn’t let someone in on my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings unless I judged I could trust that person with all of me.  You were that person to me.  And still, to this day, I don’t have a lot of friends for that very reason.  I can probably count my closest friends on one hand.  I don’t know about you, but I think the friendship we had was a very special one; one that I regret losing.  I know that a lot of the fault lays with me.  I could’ve tried harder, not let petty things get in the way.  And although I know I can’t go back in time and change the things I did, I would love to have another chance.  Another chance to make things right.  Just a chance to show you how much I’ve grown and how much I’m still learning about myself.  And most of all, a chance to show you how much our friendship has molded me into the woman I’ve become today.

I reminisce a lot about the things we used to do together.  The Mary Kay makeover where they told us NOT to wear any makeup but you just couldn’t leave the house without your face powder.  The time you came to my house with all of your jewelry making materials, just to show me how to make a rosary.  The notebook and stickers we used to carry around and pass back and forth every class period (I have the stickers…do you still have the notebook?).  There are so many things that make me miss those days.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very pleased with the way my life has turned out so far.  But I also know that I have a lot left on my plate, this being one of the most important.

Friendships are such special, invaluable things.  Too many people let them slip through their fingers, never to find that sacred bond again.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, but I think if I slowly try to fix the ones that have had an impact on who I am, God will forgive me.  And hopefully, you will too.

Love,

Allison

Of Sheep and Shepherds

I am a sheep.  The Lord is my Shepherd.  And right now, so is my mother-in-law. 

Last Sunday in church was the Fourth Sunday of Easter, Good Shepherd Sunday.  I particularly remember the readings and homily this day because I immediately was reminded of my mother-in-law and how she has been a Good Shepherd to me these past few years, but more recently, these past few months. 

 

When Jesus asked the Pharisees as to who among them, when losing one of his 100 sheep, would not leave the 99 in search of the one, he speaks as though this were an action most would take.  But no reasonable shepherd would do such a thing.  Who risks losing 99 to gain one?  It makes no economic sense.  That Christ would take this risk, then, means that for him, having one of us is no less valuable than if he had 99.  His mission to bring the kingdom of God is fulfilled if it is only to find one person.  God does not value us in arithmetic terms; he does try to figure the greatest sum of persons he can bring to himself.  Each one of us contains the totality of what Christ came to accomplish.  (St. Francis of Assisi Parish, Ann Arbor, Michigan)

Readings: Acts of the Apostles 2:14a, 36-44; 1 Peter 2:20b-25; John 10:1-10

“The shepherd calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.”

 

There was much more to the homily but Jesus calling himself the Good Shepherd really struck a note with me.  The Good Shepherd.  The dictionary defines a shepherd as somebody who is responsible for caring for and guiding a group of people, especially a Christian minister. 

My mother-in-law has selflessly offered to do Bible study with my husband and I every week, simply because she knew I needed it.  I have mentioned more than a few times that I don’t know a lot about the bible and expressed a lot of interest in learning and understanding its teachings.  She heard these needs of mine and chose to meet them.  The way I look at it, it isn’t her responsibility to teach me about the bible.  It isn’t her responsibility to take time out of her schedule to make sure I’m living my life the way God intended.  It isn’t her responsibility to be my shepherd.  However, it was Jesus’s responsibility to lead his “sheep”.  It was His obligation. And if we are supposed to live our lives through Jesus, then does that make it my mother-in-law’s obligation to teach me about the bible?  Jesus is the Good Shepherd and we are all his sheep, instinctively following him, learning to know him.  He wants us to spread His word, teach others what He has taught us.  In essence, this is what my mother-in-law is doing.  She’s spreading the Word of God, following him, fulfilling the kingdom of God by bringing just one person – me.  She has taken a risk, knowing that it is up to her to teach me what Jesus taught her, but also knowing that by teaching me, I, too, can teach others, bringing yet another person closer to God.

My husband once asked him mom when he was only five:

Husband: “Jesus is in all of us, right?”

 

Mom: “Yes.”

 

Husband: “So when we say we hate someone, isn’t that like hating Jesus?”

 

My mother-in-law was astounded that a child of this age was able to raise such an intelligent question;  not only was he able to raise an intelligent question, but he was also able to come to an intelligent rationalization; one that many adults today sadly cannot even grasp. 

I say thank you to my mother-in-law.  Thank you for instilling such a sense of spirituality in my husband.  Thank you for helping him keep that spirituality alive as he grew up.  And thank you for helping me find that same sense of spirituality that I’ve unknowingly yet so desperately craved since I was young.

Unselfish Guilt

I am not a selfish person.  At least I don’t see myself that way.  So why do I feel guilty when I do ask for things?  And not even material things.  Just things that are missing in my life.  Things that should be part of a marriage.  Things that make a family strong.  Immaterial, abstract, untouchable things.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I have been going through some difficult times lately.  We’ve had some pretty major communication problems and have lost touch over the past few years.  Unfortunately, neither of us realized what was happening until recently.  During this time, our level of intimacy has severely dwindled.  It has gotten to the point where we haven’t even had sex in three months.  Three months.  Wow, that’s hard to say.  It almost brings me to tears.  But the sad thing is, I don’t really know why.  We have been spending a lot of time together, doing fun stuff lately.  We go for walks, go out to eat, watch our favorite shows; we laugh, play, goof around, so things feel good.  They feel normal.  All except for that.  Even our intimacy (not sex) has improved.  We snuggle, hug, sit close to each other; today he even called me just to say hi and see how things were going (which almost made my cry); all things that make me think things are getting better.  But they’re not.  At least not as fast as I need.  Don’t get me wrong, I know these things take time and I know he may need to work on things at a slower pace than me.  But all I want is to know what he’s thinking; what’s on his mind?  Why hasn’t he had any desire to make love to his wife in the last three months?  What happened so dramatically that made that stop?  All I want is to know.  All I want is to understand.  Please don’t make me sit here and wait, wondering what’s wrong with me.  Just talk to me.  I am your wife; your confidant; your lover; your best friend.

To say these things to my husband is easy; but to actually do it and put the effort forth is the difficult part.  Nobody wants to bring up uneasy topics; things that might cause tension or arguments.  But I fear that the longer I put the issue off, the worse it’s going to eat away at me.  Keeping things in is what got us into this predicament in the first place.  This is where my guilt comes in.  It’s my fault we’re arguing; it’s my fault I’m crying; it’s my fault the night has been ruined; it’s my fault we both got to bed late.  All of those things make me feel so guilty.  That I have to bring up sore spots.  Why can’t I just let things be?  Because he’s my husband, damn it.  This is not the way a marriage is supposed to be!  So I should have every right to bring up these issues, right?  Then why do I feel so guilty?

Juno

I bought and watched the movie Juno last night.  I saw it in the theater and knew it was one of those movies I just had to have.  I was left with these feelings of sadness but also liberation.  If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.  The music is captivating; very memorable.  This is one of those films where the music consumes you; you can’t help but laugh at the lyrics and the person singing, but you also find yourself wanting more.   

The movie is about a 16-year old girl who gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption.  She finds this perfect couple, Mark and Vanessa, who have been struggling to get pregnant for years and decides she wants them to be the parents of the baby.  During the course of her pregnancy, Juno becomes uncomfortably close to the adoptive father, whereas the adoptive mother wants nothing more than to be a mother and pays little attention to her husband’s innermost needs.  Juno’s expectations of this perfect couple are devestated when the adoptive father decides to leave his wife shortly before Juno is to give birth.  In the end, Juno realizes how much the adoptive mother wants to be a “mommy” so she decides to give the baby to her anyway, even though it will be raised in a broken family.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for four years.  Although we have been struggling with some personal issues lately and are not trying to have a baby at the moment, my unending desire to be a mother is in the forefront of my mind all the time. 

 

Vanessa: “Have you ever felt you were just born to do something?”

Juno’s Father: “Yes, heating and air conditioning.”

Vanessa: “There you go.  I was born to be a mother.” 

 

At first, Vanessa comes across almost creepy with her need to have this baby.  However, I grew very emotional towards her at this point of the movie.  My whole life I’ve had this desire; this urge to be a mother.  I don’t know if it’s how God wired all of us or if it’s just some women.  Regardless, I can’t say that my life would ever be complete without a child of my own.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things in life that make me happy, that give me fulfillment.  But to have a child of my own; something that my husband and I both made; something that’s a part of both of us; it’s a miracle.  I want that miracle.  At that moment, I was able to feel how Vanessa felt, unable to have a child of her own, but still needing that fulfillment of motherhood.

Now, Vanessa and Mark were adopting Juno’s baby because they couldn’t have children of their own.  However, I can’t honestly say that I would be able to adopt a child.  I still don’t know if I would be truly fulfilled.  There would always be that missing piece; that missing connection; that missing bond.  So that leaves the question, is my desire to have a child of my own or to be a mother?  These are two completely different things, something I never thought about until now.  Is my desire to have both?  To have a child of my own and to be a mother?  It’s certainly something to think about.

More to come…