I attended the first Society for Future Teachers meeting last night. I am officially a member! I’m very proud of myself, as I didn’t know a soul there but made myself go anyway. I walked into the room and it was complete chaos. I put my purse down in the spot I intended to sit in and went to pay for my membership and tote bag. As I’m waiting to pay, I notice a girl putting her stuff down in the very seat where my purse was, but my purse was on the table in front of that seat. I’m trying to think in my head why she would do that. Clearly that wasn’t her purse and clearly it didn’t belong to the girls on either side of her. I watched her push it further and further away from her, completely oblivious that it belonged to the person who was already sitting there. Now, it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if I could’ve just moved a seat or two down. But I got there early enough to get a close seat. Now that she was sitting in my seat, I had to sit another 8-10 seats down the row (which ended up being a much better seat in the end, but that’s not the point). I politely but quickly grabbed my purse, mumbled, “I guess I’ll move” and walked to another seat. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say upon meeting someone new in the very group I wanted to be a part of, but it just came out. To my surprise, she acted as if she honestly didn’t realize someone was already sitting there. She said her friend told her to sit there (I had said to her friend a few moments earlier, “I guess I’ll sit next to you”, trying to make small talk.). I said it was no big deal, smiling the whole time, trying my hardest not to come across as a bitch. She kept saying, “I feel so mean now!” I kept reassuring her that it was fine, because it was. I even made a joke and said, “I’ll be sure to stay clear of the two of you when I see you in the hallway”, referring to the movie, Mean Girls.) We all laughed. So what I had to move seats? Her friend wanted her to sit there and they clearly didn’t know whose purse it was. However, it’s not something I would’ve EVER done. I would’ve moved to a different seat and asked my friend to sit by me elsewhere.
I had been trying to figure out why I let this one incident affect me the way it did. And then it occurred to me. I had already set myself up for disappointment. I went in there, knowing full well how much older I was than most of the girls. I could already tell from my one education class how much I was going to struggle with the age gap. I placed myself smack dab in the middle of a bunch of 20 year-olds. Ugh. I immediately placed a judgement on almost everyone in there. Granted, there are a few people who are my age or older, also in the middle of a career change, but they don’t really seem bothered by any of this. So why am I bothered so badly? It’s the first thing I think about when I sit down in my seat every Monday afternoon. “Here we go again, surrounded by a bunch of know-it-all, just-out-of-high-school, giddy, sponges.” It’s not fair to them that I think this way. God KNOWS I have a lot to learn and a long way to go with my own personal issues. But I don’t know how to stop these thoughts. I don’t know how to manage them; to make this situation work in my favor. I continually tell myself that I belong here just as much as they do; that I have just as much to offer as the girl next to me. But telling myself that is a heck of a lot easier than actually believing it.
I am certain that all of this stems from my lack of confidence and worth in myself. Those are issues that I struggle with every day. I want to exude the confidence of someone who is sure they know what they want; who is positive about the road they are about to go down; who is excited about the future. And all of those things are true – to an extent. My lack of belief and faith in who I am is still holding me back. I worry that I will never get there; that I will always be stuck in this rut of self doubt. I keep hoping and praying that once I get “into the groove”, things will improve. I will be happier, more confident, comfortable in my own skin. Everything is so new to me, completely out of my comfort zone. I know that this decision took guts of steel on my part, believe me. But I know this is the right move. I know that if I didn’t make this move, I would literally be stuck. Forever. Who wants to spend their life in limbo?
People in general have been raised with bad manners. It doesn’t mean they’re jerks, just that they have no idea what courtesy is.
Maybe all the other students in your class look at you and think, “Wow. She’s really got her act together. I wish I was as confident as her about my decision to become a teacher.”
We never know what other people are thinking in those situations. Most of the time, it isn’t anything at all like we suspect. I know you want to make friends, but cut yourself a little slack and don’t psych yourself out.
:)