I have officially started school. Again. I had my first intro to teaching class yesterday. Needless to say, I’m very nervous. Excited, but really really nervous. When the instructor informed us that we were required to have 30 hours of logged classroom time this semester in addition to our regular class time, I started to panic inside. I would’ve assumed that this bit of information would’ve been relayed to me at some point, before I signed up for the course. However, if I would’ve known, it is very likely that I would not have signed up for the class, let alone school at all.
30 hours of logged classroom time. This makes me very nervous, if I haven’t already made that plainly obvious. I don’t think I expected any observation / hands on class room time until at least next semester.
Why am I nervous? Well, for a number of reasons:
- My job. They are such assholes about me taking any time off, let alone for something outside of work that will inevitably help me better myself. When the speaker explained that the hours will need to be completed between the hours of 9am and 3pm and that this could be during my lunch hour since I hold a full time job, I felt a bit of relief. She will do her best to get me in a school very close to my place of employment. Phew! One less hurdle to have to deal with.
- Being out of my comfort zone. I have never done anything like this before. I don’t have a fear of children, but I have a fear that I will not be received well. I don’t have a ton of experience with kids, let alone a whole classroom full! I just have to remember and keep telling myself that I am the professional, I am the future teacher. Their current teacher has been in the exact same predicament as me. Sweaty palms, erratic heart beat, stumbling over words. Makes my stomach do cartwheels just thinking about it.
- Everyone is so much younger than me. I was amazed at how old I felt walking into that classroom yesterday. I literally saw two woman, maybe three who were as old or older than me. They, too, were in the middle of a career change. Every other person was in their early 20s, just starting their careers. They are like sponges; they can just soak everything in and believe everything that’s fed to them. Me, I have a lot of experience in the real world. I understand that not everything I’m told is the word of God and that I have to be responsible for figuring out what is truth and what is not. I’m still trying to determine whether that is going to work to my advantage or if it’s going to be a thorn in my side. Only time will tell…
- I have to be the leader. I literally have to sell myself. I have to make a great impression on these kids, but more importantly, the teacher. I have to convince this teacher (and all the future teachers I get placed with) that I am committed to this, that I am capable of handling a classroom, that I have a passion for teaching, that I am going to be able to be in control, that I possess the confidence to see this through.
- I have to convince myself that this is what I want to do. Forever. My instructor kept telling us that it’s OK if you find out this is not what you want to do, but if that’s the case, you have to decide this semester. What if I freak out and decide it’s not what I want? Then what? Where do I go? How do I figure out what I want? Right now, this is what I think I want. I can picture it in my head. It’s the only thing I can picture myself doing. But the preparation is frightening to me. I guess I never really realized what was actually involved until yesterday; when it was blatantly shoved in my face. Literally. But what did I honestly expect? Anything less? Not really. I just chose not to think about it or even imagine what it was going to be like.
But I’m here now. And I’m not turning back, as much as I considered it. I’m pursuing this dream. It’s all about me now.
