I have recently come to realize that I have a real problem. Whether or not it is a mental disorder or just something inside of me, I don’t really know. All I do know is that I want it to stop.
I am afraid that I have Social Phobia.
Social phobia is an intense fear of becoming humiliated in social situations, specifically of embarrassing yourself in front of other people. It often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression or alcoholism. Social phobia often begins around early adolescence or even younger. You can read more here.
It’s very embarrassing. It’s not something I want to live with. I don’t think I really thought about it until it started interfering with my personal life. I tend to get very worked up when we have to go to someones house that I don’t know or am not familiar with. I try to think of every possible excuse in my head why I shouldn’t or can’t go. I don’t always express my feelings, I just spin them around in my head until I drive myself nuts. I start making things out of nothing. I start assuming things are going to happen, although I know in my right mind that I’m being ridiculous. I am so worried about what other people think of me. I worry they aren’t going to like me; I worry that I won’t know what to say or what I say will sound stupid or come out slurred; I worry they are going to judge me as being bitchy because I am a quiet, reserved person; I worry I will not look good; I worry I won’t fit in; I worry that people are always looking at me. It’s crazy. NUTS. And I can’t stand it.
I don’t remember always being this way. Maybe shy and reserved, but never to this point. Sometimes I swear I’m going crazy. There will be days when I can’t stop the spinning. My mind will just go and go and make up the craziest shit! What is wrong with me?
I don’t always have this fear or anxiety. It’s only sometimes. And I’m trying to determine what the trigger could be. But when it does happen, it almost impairs my ability to think or do anything rationally. I cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore, but I don’t know why. Why am I crying? What is the big deal? What is the very worst that can happen? I think a lot of my fear is based on mine and my husband’s relationship right now. I am extremely fearful that people are going to ask me how we are doing. I don’t know the answer to that. How can I possibly feel comfortable with his friends when I’m not entirely sure that I feel comfortable with us? How can I be that fake, like everything is just peachy? I’m not a fake person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If something is wrong, everyone knows.
I’m trying to figure out if my social anxieties are coming from mine and my husband’s issues or if our issues are stemming from my social anxieties. This will be a good thing to talk about with my counselor next week. I have yet to talk with her about my husband and I over fear of crying and looking like an idiot. As much as I know that’s what she’s there for, I don’t want the pity. I don’t want the “oh, honey, it’s OK!” crap. I’m not that mushy pat-me-on-the-back kind of person. I want to fix my sadness so I don’t have to cry. I want to get to the bottom of my fears and anxieties so I can have fun like everyone else. I hate that I’m doing this to myself and to my marriage. My poor husband. This is not his issue, it is mine. But I have expected him to be there and to tell me I’m being crazy and to help me fix it. It’s not his job. He isn’t a professional. He’s just my husband. But he’s my husband who did make an oath to stick by me in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. This time is bad and I fear I am sick.
My mother also suffers from depression and anxiety disorders. It was only a matter of time. And it is proven to be hereditary. Perfect. Great. Is there no control? God help me.
