Why is it that no matter how innocent something may seem – and probably is – that I find every opportunity to spin it into something completely invalid?
My husband was flown to Oklahoma this week for the final interview process with a large company in Tulsa. The HR lady picked him up from the airport, showed him around Tulsa, and then took him out to dinner. Innocent enough and I should be super excited, which I was until the evening came. Then without fail, I started spinning the events around in my head.
What could just the two of them be doing? Why is she the only one accompanying him to dinner? What time are they going to be done? What if he doesn’t call me? What if she tries to hit on him? What if he complies?
Of course, he calls me early in the evening, comforting my delusional thoughts. They wrapped up the tour and dinner by 9pm and he had arrived at his hotel.
The next night he was due to fly back. He called me when he got to the airport and proceeded to tell me how the interviews went. But then he said something that made my head spin out of control again. He made mention that he wasn’t sure if I would want to move to Oklahoma, that the HR lady wanted him to think about what it means to move out of state. I was taken back by this, as we’ve already discussed this opportunity and decided that this was the right move for both of us. And in all honesty, I’m sure he was feeling a bit apprehensive about the move now too. Reality set in when he actually got to Tulsa. However, all I heard in my head was that he did not want me to move to Tulsa with him. How that thought entered into my head, I don’t know. But I was angry at myself for thinking it.
There are often times that I question his feelings for me. I ask myself why he wants to be with me. He probably wants to be with someone more adventurous or who loves music the way he does. Someone who doesn’t get emotional about silly things. Someone who lets things just roll off her back.
I mean, SERIOUSLY! All of these thoughts are completely ridiculous; I’m ashamed to even admit that I had them. But I did and I need to figure out how to stop having them. It’s not fair to me, and it’s certainly not fair to my husband or his prospective employer. However, there has got to be a reason they are there.
I am 100% sure that all of this stems from my lack of trust in my husband right now. Ever since I found about that girl from work that he had an emotional affair with (and kissed), I have not been the same. It has eaten away at me to the point where I can’t even listen to him mention another woman, even if it is his prospective employer. All because he cheated with someone he met at work. And it doesn’t make things any easier when I don’t see much effort on his part to help fix it. All of his attention is focused on a job right now, again, leaving me waiting in the wings, hoping and praying that I can hang on for another day. Honestly, there have been many days when I want to just give up; throw it all away. I just don’t feel like it’s worth the fight anymore. But then I realize that God brought the two of us together for a reason. I just have to have faith that I am in this difficult place in my life for a purpose. I have been dealt lemons; I need to figure out how to turn them into lemonade.
In the mean time, I have been seeing a counselor to help me sort through these thoughts and anxieties. But because of my trepidation to bring it up, we have yet to touch on the subject. We have mainly discussed issues with my mother and my upbringing; I’m sure that all plays into how I react to these difficult situations, so I guess it was a good backdrop. However, my counselor asked me what I wanted to talk about next session and I did tell her I wanted to talk out the relationship between my husband and I. Unfortunately, I had to cancel this week’s session due to my husband’s flight being delayed, so I have to wait two weeks to talk with her again. Hopefully that will give me sufficient time to sort through the things I really want and need to talk about. And to prepare myself for a whole ton of crying and opening up.
I miss my husband terribly right now; I haven’t seen him in 2 days. I wonder if he misses me? Just another spinning thought.
