So, I’m sitting in my counselor’s office last week & she asks me what my goals are. I was surprised she asked me this again; but this time, I was thinking a lot clearer and was able to answer her question with ease. She must’ve known there was more inside of me than what she picked up on in the previous session. So I told her I wanted to have more confidence; I wanted to learn how to be strong and not cry at every difficult situation; I wanted to obtain more patience than what I currently have; I wanted to be able to let go of my control issues. She seemed surprised to hear me say this, as she is convinced I already have those things.
I explained to her how I get overly emotional when situations get difficult & my defense mechanism is to immediately start to cry. I find this so unprofessional & I don’t know how to not let my emotions get the best of me. I explained to her how I get so impatient with my mother and her “woe is me” attitude about things; how I cannot go to her with issues because she only wants to take pity on me rather than help me resolve the issues. I explained to her how I always want to know the answers to things yesterday; how I don’t want to wait for anything. I always want to be in control. I explained to her how I don’t have the confidence (or the faith) to tell myself things will be ok; to believe I will be ok if things don’t work out the way I want them to.
She’s convinced that I am a strong woman who knows what I want; which is definitely a boost of confidence coming from an outsider! And she’s right. I DO know what I want. I just don’t know how to go about getting what I want. I don’t have the confidence; the strength; the patience; the control. However, although I don’t have those things yet, I have convinced myself that by getting my thoughts out in the open with the help of my counselor, I will obtain my goals. I will obtain what I want.
What do I want, you ask? Not much. But there is one thing I want more than anything. I want to be a mother. Preferably a stay-at-home mother, but if that’s not within my grasp, at least being a mother will give me that sense of fulfillment that I judge my life is missing. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember; more than anything. Unfortunately, getting pregnant hasn’t been as easy as I’d expected. And now that my husband and I have stumbled a bit, it’s even harder. There are issues that must be resolved before bringing a child into the picture, which I completely understand. Nevertheless, my longing for a child is still there, stronger than ever. Tick, tick, tick…
On the other hand, if it is not in God’s plans for me to bear a child, there is something else I want. I want to be an Elementary School Librarian. Although I can’t guarantee my sense of fulfillment will ever be truly reached if I end up choosing this path, I am certain I will gain some sort of satisfaction. My love for childrens’ books is unwavering. I remember the books I read as a child vividly. However, when I read those stories today, it amazes me that they were only books. In my mind, they were like movies. I have such a strong image of them in my head. One Kitten for Kim, The Carrot Seed, Runaway Marie Louise, The Giving Tree, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs…I could go on and on.
Regardless of which path I end up traveling down, one thing’s for certain. I know what I want. And by knowing that minuscule piece of information, I’m one step closer to discovering who I am and who I really want to be.
Do it.
Sign up for classes.
Who knows, in the process you may find out that you need to take some time off from school to have a baby……
:)
As soon as my husband gets a job, that is the 1st thing I’m going to do. I’ve already decided. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself. It will take some time and I’m no spring chicken, but at least it will be something I did for me and only me.