I did it. I actually did it. I finally went to talk with a counselor last week. The good thing is I really like her. She’s cheery, very nice, asks a lot of questions, and seems really excited about helping me on this new journey. However, I still keep wondering if this is actually going to do anything for me. I mean, how on earth can someone else, let alone someone who doesn’t even know me, help me with my inner struggles? We’ve been told our whole lives that we have to accept what life throws at us. “Life won’t give you anything you can’t handle” and “No one said life was easy” is what I’ve heard time and time again. But that’s just it. I can’t do this by myself. Not anymore. I can’t help me. My husband can’t help me. Going to church doesn’t help me. I need inner strength. Something that I don’t seem to have the power to gain on my own.
Goals. She asked me what my goals were; what did I expect to get out of counseling? I remember saying that I wanted to have more faith and hope that things were going to be ok; and that I wanted my confidence to improve. But I don’t remember much else. It’s unfortunate because I have all these goals that I want to acheive in my head right now; things that I’ve been struggling with but couldn’t remember at the moment because I was so anxious about being there in the first place. Do I call her? Do I jot them down? Will they eventually come out in future sessions? See, I’m panicking. What if the things I’m struggling with don’t get resolved because I didn’t disclose the right information? Breathe…
What am I actually struggling with? What are the goals I want to acheive?
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I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Number ONE.
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I want to love ME.
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I want to be confident in the decisions I make and the things I do.
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I want to let go of my control issues.
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I want to gain more patience.
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I want to be able to let things roll off my back.
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I want to learn how to forgive.
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I want to gain inner strength.
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I want to feel motivated.
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I want to live each day as though it were my last.
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I want to lose 15 – 20 pounds.
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I want to know God.
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I want to gain a better understanding of where others are coming from.
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I want to do something I’m passionate about.
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I want to appreciate everything God has blessed me with.
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I want to fall in love with my husband all over again.
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I want to feel sexy.
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I want to discover who God intended me to be.
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I want to express myself clearly.
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I want to have faith.
I feel like I’m being selfish, wanting all these things for myself. I’m not one to disclose a lot of information about me. I don’t like being the center of attention. I’m sure this goes back to me not feeling comfortable in my own skin. Regardless, I need some nudging. I need someone who is going to drag the information out of me, which I think this counselor is going to be able to do. If I get stuck or say “I don’t know”, she sits and waits. She asks questions differently to get me to talk. She even got me to cry twice and it was only our first session. Boy, does she have her work cut out for her. But I’m in there; buried pretty deep, but I know I’m in there and I have FAITH that she’s going to send down a rope & pull me out.
Sometimes it isn’t about finding out who you are, it is facing who you are.
When I was in counseling, I hated what I had to admit about myself. That was the most difficult part of the whole thing.
We all are a product of our life experiences–and not all of those experiences can be positive ones. Maybe what you should be asking yourself is not “who are you?” but “Who do you want to be?” Then, you start facing the parts of you that stand in the way of that.
That’s what I had to do, and that is what I continue to do in order to try and be a better person.
I’m proud of you. :)
Mrs. H,
You make a really good point; I never thought about it that way. Your comment came at a time when I needed it the most; you’re like an angel in disguise. :)
Thank you and I love you.