Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about an old friend from elementary school/high school. She and I were best friends in elementary school, drifted apart in junior high, & reconnected again in high school. We were inseparable. We had this notebook that we’d trade back & forth between classes. It was our way of keeping in touch, spilling our thoughts & feelings, and just staying close. We had a thing for stickers, too. Every page would be filled with different stickers depending on what was going on at that moment in our crazy teenage lives.
After high school, I had gotten a job as a receptionist at a local hair salon in the mall. I was able to get her a job there too doing the same thing for days when I couldn’t work. It was so great working with her. We’d get our hair done together, go to lunch together; we were still inseparable.
During this time, she was spending a lot of time with her first real boyfriend. That worried me because she was a very “good” girl who still had not lost her virginity. I remember her telling me one day that she was “ready” and that she was sure he was the one. I tried to talk her out of it but there was no changing her mind. It seemed to be all she thought about and all she wanted to talk to me about, since I had been having sex with my current boyfriend for some time now. So I obliged & gave her all the advice a 19-year old girl could give.
Things changed from that point. She began spending less and less time with me and more and more time with him. I had split with my current boyfriend of two years (who I was supposed to marry) & I needed her more than ever. We began bickering and disagreeing on things at work & eventually, I was written out of her life permanently. I no longer worked at the hair salon because she had told my boss that I was being unfair about our work schedule, so he let me go, saying I needed to be more flexible. My best friend had gotten me fired from a job that I loved.
My life was different after that. I no longer trusted people the way I used to. I had a very hard time making friends because of the walls I had built up around me. I found myself very alone. I had another friend that I would spend time with; she wasn’t the greatest influence in my life, but she was a lot of fun, so I thought. I resorted to dating a plethora of guys & ended up sleeping with most of them very quickly into the relationships, only to get hurt by each and every one of them.
This pattern continued for a few years, into my early 20’s. At this point, I was attending college, dating a number of different guys, and legally allowed to drink alcohol. My “friend” and I started hanging out at the college bars & I was drinking a lot; at least 2-3 times a week. If we weren’t at the bar, we were at her house playing drinking games. This downward spiral lasted another few years until I met my husband. I thank GOD every day for bringing him into my life.
So what does any of this have to do with that old friend of mine? Well, I realized that if she wouldn’t have come into my life 28 years ago, I probably would’ve never met my husband. Seems strange to think about. That God has this pre-set plan for everyone. He already knows how your life is going to end up.
So anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about her lately. I’ve actually told myself that I was going to write her a letter. I’ve looked up her address but decided that I’m going to send it to her parents’ house just to make sure she gets it, just in case the address online is wrong or outdated.
My husband is really excited about me taking this step. He wants so bad for me to have those relationships that I used to have; to gain that intimacy that you get with a bunch of really close friends. But he’ll never understand the fear involved in writing that letter; making that contact. I have told myself for so many years that I don’t make friends very well because I am afraid of rejection; what that person will think of me; if I’ll have something interesting to talk about; if they’ll find me worthy enough to be their friend. All fears that seem utterly ridiculous to the outsider, but that are completely 100% real to me.
So as far as the letter goes, it’s still on my list of things to do and I haven’t written it off. It’s just taking the time to think about what I want to say, but more importantly, making the time to write and mail it.
